If you’ve read my book Perfect Pain, you’ll know that I have spent my entire life compensating for all my inadequacies and insecurities. I was a poor, immigrant kid that had parents that could not relate to me and could not give me the internal strength that I needed. Basically, I didn’t get the unconditional love that I needed. So I searched, unconsciously, to find every EXTERNAL method to feel love. Through my journey back of seeking love and fulfillment I identified three steps to unconditional love I am sharing with you today.
1.Ask yourself why
If you think about it, everything we do in the final analysis is to create a “feeling.” If you keep asking yourself “why” and then after that you ask yourself “why” again and then do this over and over, I am certain that you will find out that you are doing everything you do to either feel pleasure or to avoid pain.
Take someone who loves buying new cars. If I ask the question “why do you like new cars” and after every answer ask “why” again and again, I usually find out it’s not as obvious as just liking the newest technology or ride. In the final analysis it may be because it made them feel smart. For them, it could have had something to do with their mother or sibling relationship and they needed to feel smart because of some backstory in their life. It could also have to do with some inadequacy that they are needing to alter or overcome.
2. Stop looking for personal fulfillment in the wrong way
I worked hard to excel in all the things that the world valued and awarded me for. Being successful and popular were the usual suspects for me. The problem was that they didn’t work. And the fact that they didn’t make me feel better made me even more depressed. I was getting plenty of attention from being successful and popular but sadly, I was confusing admiration with love. This left me even more empty and confused and ultimately led to a crisis with substance abuse.
3. Love yourself
It wasn’t until recently that I discovered everything I was searching for and needing was right there before my eyes. I just couldn’t get out of my own way to see it through the fog that was my depression. Years of therapy helped shine a light on the fact that I had a wife and three children that loved me with all my imperfections. The very exact thing that I needed. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. Or to be very clear, the very exact “feeling”I needed. I was just needing to feel unconditional love.
The morale of the story is to recognize what you need by continuously asking yourself “why”… because if you do, you may find that it’s right before your eyes and you just couldn’t see it!!!